Friday, September 08, 2006
tiring and vexing weeks of my life....
this few days have realli been a nerve wrecking week... i have realli been trying to figure out a lot of things in my life... i've experienced the hurt tat i shld have experienced b4 and not now... but it all came at once... this few days have been quite monotonous cos i've been just mapling my days away... i realli feel so tired and i dun wanna think anymore... this few days have caused me to realli lose my appetite and also lose all my interest in doing anything... i also dunno why... mebbe it's becos i realise the fact that i'm too sticky and bothering ba... i've bothered and troubled many of the pple arnd me with my own personal problems... i wanna be very frank tat i''m realli imposing on them... it doesn't concern them but i've pulled them into the picture... i feel so tired and frustrated to have to go thru all these.. these few weeks i have been thinking... is my life wad i want it to be or have i lived a life tat hasn't been true to myself... i may be acting very strong and happi but i'm actually not... i may show that i'm alright but i'm NOT!!!! i've been living in misery... i dunno izit becos of that particular reason but i reealli feeel dumb and stoopid... i dunno why i did so many dumb things and i realli blame myself for being an idiot... dage say i am a sha gua... i realli do think so... i dunno why but it's my character to be a sha gua... haix... i noe it wont be good but i still go do it... just purely stoopid and dumb ba... dunno why... my life has been a pure hypnotised life becos i dunno how i lived my life thru these few weeks... i feel lyke my life is being sucked away slowly and i dun even noe wad i'm doing all these weeks... these few weeks have realli been a rough patch that i've been going thru... 'm realli too tired to go thru myself... i noe tat there are many of them who have been with me thru this issue and they've all encouraged me and comforted me but i cant do it alone... i realli cant.... i dunno why i cant do it... i just cant harden my heart to do wad i'm suppose to do... i realli cant figure it out... i dunno why... all of a sudden i just feel so lost in my life with no direction... it's so hard to live a life lyke tat.... i just cant handle all these things coming at the same time... i realli cannot becos i'm not a person who is able to handle so many things at once... i realli dun wann this to happen... i noe it's hard to accept but i have to accept it becos this is wad i need to adapt to... everything has been decided and been a fixed situation.. all i can say is that i gotta accept the fact... realli cant take it but i will do it slowly... no matter wad... i've let out all my pain, hurt and sorrow that these few months i have been feeling last night... i reali cried my heart out and i realli did cry hard... it was realli a hard moment cos a few of them were comforting me... thanks dage, kor, eric and lao po... i realli appreciate all your care for me... i realli hope i will be able to listen to your advices... i hope that i will be able to make the right decision... i realli dun wanna go back to the old me but i realli dun have a choice... haix... i will be strong... i will not shed another tear again for this matter... i will be sure of that... dun worry... okaes... think i will stop here and leave everything here... i will not linger on with tat anymore.. i will let it go fully.... i can do it de.... =) _kelvin_ 8th september 2006 1.15pm
